"Its 2012 why you still.."

...Talking Shit?
...Starting problems?
...Lying about who you are and the things you've done?
...Trying to act like a gangster when you should be acting like mother?

Topic trending on twitter; brought all of these feelings to surface. But then I said, "It's 2012 why you still..."
...letting high school pettiness bother you?
...allowing liars to invade your peacefulness?
...giving someone worth so little so much?

I posted a question today, "Do your children inspire you to think twice about your actions/reactions?"
My answer, "It's 2012, I guess not, for some people."

Do you ever feel...

Stuck? Stagnant? Frozen...
Been feeling something kinda sorta like this lately.
So...
I joined a fitness program to re-do my outward appearance.
Am studying harder in school to exercise my mind.
Opened a twitter account to connect with more friends.
Have been spending more time out with friends.
And relaxing more in the home.

I realize I go through these bouts every so often, feeling like time is slipping like quicksand (so cliche the quote). And I begin to live almost like I'm in a rush, a race against time.
Eventually, I realize that I must slow down, or something happens to slow me down...But the point is I chill.

Do you ever feel like this? As if the walk of life was paved in molasses? How do you shake it off?

Mothers on Bullying

It's been pretty hectic these past few days; but this post has been on my mind for some time.
We've started M.O.B. Mothers on Bullying, our way of addressing bullying in the community. The purpose is to change not only one person, but one family at a time. We're addressing the children, and the parents. Empowering kids by letting them now it's ok to be themselves;that they don't have to be like anyone else in this world. Addressing the parents, letting them know positiveness begins in the home, as does bullying.

I was about 20 years old when I had this done. It meant the world to me then, and still does now. When I am in doubt about handling a curve ball, this gives me strength. It does not take away from my family, my friends, or my sweetheart. But it does serve to remind me that I am a strong, positive, intelligent woman who can make it on her own. No one can take that from me...and no one can take that from them.   

The Dog Days are Over...communicating with my teen

He came into the room, and sat down on the bed. I prepared myself to be asked permission for something I probably already said no to. Instead I learned more about the stranger in front of me than I had in his almost 17 years of existence. He came forward not only to me, but to himself as well. He had recently come into the truth, about himself and his own decisions; more importantly, he was opening up about some pretty deep stuff. 2 hours would pass before any of us could truly understand what had just taken place. He was making solid conscientious statements, and raising some amazing points of view. But ultimately, he was learning to love himself. Walls he had created for himself began to crumble and suddenly he was reachable; it took our connection to a higher level. Not only did I have him back, but I had him back stronger than ever and this was the beginning of a pretty amazing journey together. I honestly thought I saw the sun rising behind him...
The world from the eyes of someone who didn't have their ideal upbringing can be pretty twisted. It can create deficiencies where there are none. It can create war where enemies shouldn't exist. When I decided to write about this, I had to decide on an angle that did not betray him and his feelings. I had to keep some things private, and yet expressed as clearly as possible so that some one can learn from it.
I was a teen mom; we both made decisions we shouldn't have. The result was someone else's pain. In the days this all happened, I thought I was doing the right thing allowing young people to see "the truth" for what it was. How many times do we see that happen? "Oh I'll tell baby...the truth about why daddy doesn't see her. Let her decide for herself if she wants to be around the new girlfriend".  'I'm not going to force my child to be around a stepfather! Let him see what a &*%^ her mother is!" These are actually decisions WE make, not the situation, not the other person. We were entrusted with protecting the most important items in our world. And yet, in retrospect is that what we are doing? Or are we protecting ourselves from being hurt? From being compared? From having to share what was never meant to be shared, our families? We need to be remembered that what we do now, only affects us later. Maybe this is a post only a single parent can understand? I hope not, I hope everyone can take a little from it; for we are in a time when our children are scared to be different and afraid to be themselves.      

He didn't only only share himself with me. He inspired me, to think continue thinking differently, to be happy with our circumstances. Just because life isn't what we expected, should we lose sight of how good it still is? 

The Truth about Why I Don't Cook...

Of all the rooms in my home, the kitchen is the one I see the least. Of course, I spend some time in it; I mean I have to wash the dishes don't I? Prepare snacks...mop...put away groceries...By now you get the picture. But it is, foreign, in all other senses of the word. I don't like it, it's the worst enemy I have. I know all of 2 seasonings, "Adobo" and "Sazon". I use a microwaveable pot to make my rice. And I stick to only what I know. Can I prepare meals? Yes. Have I before? Yes. Were they good? Silence.
One of my biggest issues with cooking is that I cannot do it while multitasking. Cooking is something I must concentrate on. You cannot move too far from the kitchen because the food might burn. Don't get hooked on a  t.v. episode because you might forget you were cooking at all. And don't NOT facebook, blog, or anything else online because you will definitely forget what you were up to. All jokes aside, I tend to have a hard time staying focused. Especially at a task I don't find very interesting. I think God knows this too because he really did bless my family with someone who enjoys cooking and using us as his guinea pigs.    My family knows how I feel. We pretty much have that chore designated to someone else (GOD bless him!) But it is still their favorite joke. "Hey ma, you gonna cook?" HA-HA. ""Mommy when is he coming home so we can eat?" HA-HA. "Hey, we are coming over this weekend. Bring food or order out?" HA-HA. Sure, the jokes hurt. (They really aren't very funny either after the 100th time hearing them).
So. That being said...I don't mind trying. And I don't mind the jokes. I don't make the promise that I will change and start culinary school any time soon either. But i do promise to remain grateful for ALL my meals. Even the instant ones I cook myself.
So, here are some "ingredients" which I think would motivate me to want to cook...(the word even runs off my tongue in a dirty way...YUCK!)

An Apron

A Chef

A New Pot

                                

The Right One to Cook for

More kids...??? How about letting me deal with the 2 I got???

So, I today I thought I would blog about the all too familiar, yet always nagging question, "Are you guys planning to have kids?"  You know that feeling you get from knowing you have to get a needle at the doctors? Even though you know by now it really doesn't hurt, and it's more of a pinch? YEAH, well thats the feeling I get from this annoying question...    "EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!"
Sure, when the relationship began it was definitely a topic of conversation, and like very young couple, we joked about how strict we would be if we had a girl, and what sports the boy would play; we even picked up little odds and ends (teddy bears, cute bibs, etc)...and vice versa (I'm a liberal mom!) And anytime people speculated on how our baby would look, we all smirks and giggles...
BUT...years later, my kids are growing up and responsibilities are a bit lighter...we have a new taste for getting up and going...the economy is definitely not what it was back then; not to mention that having a TEEN definitely affects your tastebuds for a larger family! One of the main factors, I will be honest and bear it all for you, is the issue of me being able to become pregnant. However, I will say, while fertility may be an issue, adoption was never vetoed and will always remain an option!
AND YET, people still ask years later, "Are you guys thinking of having kids?" If I look like I enjoy myself playing with your baby, it's in part because I get to GIVE HER BACK! If I offer to babysit, it isn't because I miss changing diapers (though I DO miss the smell of baby breathe), its because I love you and your baby and I like spending time with them. And most importantly, if I shop like a freak (I'm a shopaholic) in the baby section, it's because I really do love all the new baby fashion themes, AND because buying a few things is not equivalent to a 3rd college fund, or higher rent to make sure everyone has their "space"...
So, as I cringe and think (but DO NOT say) all of these responses, I calmly answer, "Maybe" because I do not want anyone to give up this hope for us (or think lowly of me for maybe being selfish). It used to make me cry, the thought of not having more children. I would pass a pregnant woman in the street and think, "Why not me?" But that's just not where I'm at anymore. Do I share this with every one who asks? "Hey, guess what?? Maybe God knew what he was doing and HE knew better than me! Because you know what? I'm kind of definitely enjoying this life" No, I don't. Maybe, just maybe, one day you will read a blog titled,
            "Guess who's KNOCKED UP???"   
But not today...I found this great pic and thought it was super fitting (you will note where the needles are placed and the fact that it seems to be a female according to the "shoes"...Please don't think me crude!)

            
     

Enough is enough...or at least it should be right?

I have to say, I don't think I would have been able to write this post if it wasnt for PYHO; seeing everyone be honest and open about their lives did give me that much strength to write this. For that I am grateful.
I have a reoccurring issue, which seeks joy in rearing its ugliness for the sake of nothing else, but to invite me to be miserable. The more space I put between us, the hungrier the issue becomes, thirsting for my happiness. I've tried it all: hiding, blocking, de-friending potential friendships and possibilities, but nothing seems to work. I've even stopped accepting new friendships because I find myself weary and distrustful. Up until recently, it would seem that this blood thirsty, starved entity overcame my world. But why should it?
Enough time has passed and acts have been committed that I no longer question it's reasoning and rationale.

I cant seem to find any. Except to engulf me in its claws and suffocate what is golden and important in my life. I doubt it even knows anything of importance about me, like how I cry over commercials, or become frustrated at not being able to make everyone happy. But it will continue to cower in the realms of cyberspace  hunting me like prey; eager for the win, desperate for my demise. This blog was a way of me being honest about where I am in life, of expressing the truth about myself. And this too has become a weapon for them to utilize in the war taking place in their head.  
But this year is my year.  And this year I am NOT going to hide, or de-friend, or block...I am going to be myself, I am going to enjoy the treasures in my life; I will not comfort misery and eventually it will wither and its hooks will dissipate...